I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
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My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Genius idea!!
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Writing, She Murdered.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…