If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
That’s not how days work.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.