We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
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Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Meeeee too!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it