mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Sorry I鈥檓 late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
This cat wants you to take your pills
(strolls into men鈥檚 warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they鈥檙e gallon ziplock bags
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?