FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”