*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
The French cow says MEUX…
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing