[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
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Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My neck, my back, my…
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Guy who likes music
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”