With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
You Might Also Like
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
yeah 😭
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
time machine? you mean a clock?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.