ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
How wrong was this guy?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?