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You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I falcon love using swear birds
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?