BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
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*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Twitter fine art
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.