Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.