Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”