Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
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HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.