pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
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“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
can you read it!!??
maan!
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“you recording!?”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
did it work
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner