“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.