What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
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people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.