OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.