Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Spotted in New Orleans.
THIS HEADLINE
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’