Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
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i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?