The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
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I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Happy birthday to all the women
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.