glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
You Might Also Like
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Is….Is this an option?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?