Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
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A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.