My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
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What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100