What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
wow he looks just like him
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.