Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
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Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.