LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
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Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.