HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
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Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Why is this me 😫
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.