I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
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Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*