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If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???