Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
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*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
i think we should see other cousins
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.