What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
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Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.