I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
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Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
A dad and his duck
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
This did not end as expected.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.