#dnd #ttrpg
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Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.