80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
they split up moments later
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”