so, is there a mister shapen head
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When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.