I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.