Liquor Store Parking
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I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
This is always good for a laugh.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.