detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.