My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
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Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Found the job I’m suited for
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.