John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
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So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
fly smarter, not harder
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?