law suits: quality garments for lawyers
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork