GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
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It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
just make the entire table out of coaster
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I’m having an out of money experience.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.