Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
This is Sparta
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet