[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
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[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone