im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
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Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Girl, same.
No chill.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified