The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
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ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED