do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder