blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent