Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
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This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Cheers Twitter.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.